Odd Day Ramen
by violinmana
Summary: Lee loves to tell stories, Sakura is tired of hearing stories, Hanabi doesn't want to hear any more stories, and Naruto just wants his ramen. Set in the Stalking universe.


A/N: I'm back. Sorta. This was just a plot bunny that wouldn't let go. Sit back and enjoy, this fic is NOT meant to be taken seriously. Also, it's kinda short. And by short, I mean really short. Really, really short. As short as pre-timeskip Naruto.

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><p>It was a day like any other. Well, more like a day when nearly all of Konoha were off-duty, but that's beyond the point. Especially since Tsunade was hung over and couldn't be bothered to assign any missions to anyone in her village, and no one wants to piss her off by waking her up or telling her how be an actual military dictator while waking her up. Yeah. That sort of day.<p>

In other words, everyone had a lot of free time. Time that Lee used to educate his youthful rival's young cousin Hanabi in the various stories and legends of the world (blown, of course, completely out of proportion). Time that Sakura used to clear her busy schedule and take a day off. Time that Naruto used to take a break from calligraphy and hair-care training with Neji.

Somehow, all four gravitated to Ichiraku Ramen during this boring day, and thus the boring day didn't stay boring for long...

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><p>Sakura actually liked eating ramen. After her inhibitions towards high-calorie-and-carbs food had gone down the gutter, she realized that the salty noodles and broth actually helped supplement the high energy ninja lifestyle. That, and it was all Naruto would eat during his teen years, so she basically had to get used to eating them.<p>

She slurped up her final noodle with satisfaction. "Man, that was good. Hey, can I get another pork over here, Ayame?"

"Coming right up!" Ayame shouted from the kitchen.

Sakura actually liked eating pork, especially after that last therapy session with Ino... just thinking about it made her hot and bothered, and also made her want to get roaring drunk. She licked her lips. 'Good times...'

"AND THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CARRY SENBON IN YOUR FOREHEAD PROTECTOR, CUTE COUSIN OF MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Lee shouted from down the street.

Sakura hit her head on the bar and mentally prayed, _'Please don't come here, please don't come here, please don't...'_

"HELLO, SAKURA-SAN! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?"

_'Goddamnit.'_

"Hello, Sakura-sensei. Why are you hitting your head on the bar?" Hanabi asked, taking a seat next to the pink-haired medic.

"Seriously, why do you think?"

"Right. That's a good idea, sensei." Hanabi copied her mentor and with a solid thunk, created a small dent in the bar with her head.

"YOSH! I SHALL HIT MY HEAD ON THE BAR A HUNDRED TIMES, OR I WILL DO A THOUSAND PUSH-UPS WITH ONLY MY LEFT PINKY!"

Naruto poked his head in. "Hey, what's going on here?"

Sakura's head fell, hitting the bar with a louder thunk. _'God. Damn. It.'_

"One pork ramen for Sakura-san! HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BAR TABLE?"

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><p>After fetching Yamato from a nearby training ground to fix the bar, Lee began telling another story. Yamato ran away like the coward he was.<p>

"DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HYUGA HAIR USED TO BE LESS SHINY?"

"Sensei, kill me now. Please. Make the pain go away."

"Hanabi-chan, if I have to listen to this, you will too, cute student or not."

"When is my ramen getting here?" Naruto wondered out loud.

Ayame was too preoccupied with how Lee's eyebrows bounced up and down whenever he articulated a point to answer.

"WHEN MY YOUTHFUL RIVAL WAS BORN, HYUGA HAIR WAS TWENTY PERCENT LESS SHINY THAN IT IS NOW! FOUR YEARS AFTER NEJI WAS BORN, HAIR BECAME SHINIER, AND SPLIT ENDS BECAME ENDANGERED WITHIN THE HYUGAS!"

"That's... actually an interesting fact. And explains a lot."

"What the fuck, sensei."

"Oy, I'm starving over here!"

"Sorry, Naruto, I'll get right on your order." Ayame didn't move an inch.

"AT THE AGE OF THREE, NEJI DECIDED THAT HE DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HIS HAIR FELT!"

"That's a lie," Hanabi hissed.

"Actually, that's true," Sakura countered.

"How could you possibly know that!"

"Doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Ramen?" Naruto asked hopefully. When no one answered, Naruto sighed, "Ramen." This was going to be a very long wait.

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><p>"DID YOU KNOW THAT THE INUZUKA DOGS USUALLY GET GENITAL CANCER?"<p>

"How the hell did you even find that out? That's classified military information!"

"Yeah! Wait, what? Why is that classified?"

"SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME, THE INUZUKA FEMALES HAVE BEEN RITUALLY FUCKED BY THEIR DOGS, MALE OR FEMALE..."

"How the hell does a bitch fuck a woman?"

Sakura blushed. "Well, it's not hard for a female pig to fuck me, I mean a woman," she quickly corrected.

Hanabi stared at her mentor with something resembling shock and hopelessness.

"Need. Ramen. Food. Ramen. Ayame. Ramen."

"I'll get right on that dog, Naruto."

"NO, AYAME-SAN! YOU MIGHT GET THE CANCER FROM THE DOGS!"

Hanabi's eyes crossed as she tried to imagine the ramen shop's composed owner mounted by a dog.

Sakura could imagine it a lot clearer. "Ew."

"Dog cancer ramen?"

"That's... not what I meant, Lee-san."

"THAT'S OK! I'M SURE THAT ANY DOG WILL BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!"

"..."

"Right."

"This guy needs therapy."

Naruto drooled onto the table, long gone.

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><p>(3 hours later)<p>

"AND THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER APPROACH UCHIHA ITACHI WITH SUNGLASSES!"

Naruto jerked at the name Uchiha and slowly opened his eyes from the nap he was taking on the bar.

"This is your last story, right? Right?" Hanabi pleaded.

"I HAVE MANY MORE STORIES!"

"Oh dear lord."

"Food... hungry... ramen..."

Ayame blushed, eyeing the shining thumbs up Lee gave out. _'If only he would jam it in other areas...'_

"LEE! WHERE ARE YOU MY LOVABLE PUPIL! MY YOUTHFUL RIVAL HAS CHALLENGED ME TO A DUEL TO SEE WHO WOULD WAKE UP THE HOKAGE FIRST, AND YOU MUST BE THE WITNESS!"

"YOSH, HERE I COME, GAI-SENSEI! I SHALL WITNESS YOUR INCREDIBLE VICTORY OVER THE SHARINGAN KAKASHI!"

Hanabi, Sakura, Naruto, and Ayame blinked stupidly (in Naruto's case, sleepily) at the fading dust trail leading to the Hokage Tower.

"Ayame... Ramen... Starving..."

"Coming right up, Naruto!"

"I think I need to bleach my brain."

"Sensei, can you bleach mine too?"

"RAMEN!"

The master-student duo looked on in disgust as Naruto inhaled his edible ramen bowl.

"Alright, I definitely need to bleach my brain."

"Sensei, can you definitely bleach mine too?"

"Naruto-kun... I would have made your ramen, if you had only asked me..."

Hanabi shook her head. Her sister was a pathetic stalker.

Almost on cue, Kakashi's head poked into the stand. "Hey, did anyone see if Gai actually went to the Tower?"

Sakura spontaneously hugged him. "Thank you so much, sensei!"

Hanabi spontaneously hugged them both. "Thank you so much, sensei's sensei!"

Completely freaked out, Kakashi gently disengaged their arms, patted himself down, and ran away like the psychologically-stunted coward he was.

"MORE RAMEN PLEASE!"

END

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><p>AN: And why must you never approach Itachi with sunglasses? Did Gai survive the wrath of the Wrinkled Princess? Well, that's a story for another day. And yes. Weak-ass cliffhanger that I'll probably never follow up on.


End file.
